Monday, August 11, 2014

Mom Thoughts

What I am about to write is something that I have thought about for awhile. Please don't judge me! Just honest, raw feelings.

When I found out I was pregnant with Avery, I was in utter shock. This wasn't what I had planned for Greg and my first year a marriage...our first month of marriage! We were supposed to be newlyweds for a few years, buy new cars, travel! We didn't have many friends with children at the time so it wasn't like we were just joining the club, so to speak. I experienced a lot of emotions over my pregnancy, most good, but one that I didn't foresee coming was loneliness. For one of the first times in my life I felt lonely.

Now don't get me wrong, I had/have an AMAZING husband who was very good about making sure all of my needs were fulfilled during prenancy. If I needed things done around our new house he never complained. We went on lots of dates, he came to as many doctors appointments as he could and he listened when I needed someone to listen. But the feeling of loneliness came from my lack of interaction with my friends. I missed my girls. I missed happy hour or impromptu bar nights. I missed getting the text to see what our plans were for Saturday night or if we wanted to tailgate for a sporting event. I felt left out, discluded and worst of all: forgotten.

I'll never forget one Saturday in December. I had been so looking forward to getting Christmas decorations up in our new house. Greg was working so I wanted to surprise him with the tree and everything when he came home. That afternoon after I finished, I sat on the couch and thought now what? I watched the snow fall, I looked at facebook and instagram probably a thousand times and saw so many of our friends out and about, drinking at the bar, smiling, enjoying themselves. And I felt lonely. Really lonely. I wanted that to be me out with friends. I wanted to have a conversation with people that didn't revolve around the same old 'how are you feeling?.  I told myself that once I had our baby girl I'd get back to the 'old me'.

Well that day came. We had Avery! Greg and I were overjoyed! She was the sweetest, tiniest little angel we could've ever imagined. And once again my life changed. She was all I thought about. Giving her the best life I could, being the best mom I could be - this was my new life! I was also able to get out of the house more. Happy hour with the girls, an occasional night out on the town with Greg and friends - it seemed like life was falling back in to place. And for the most part it has.

But even after 3 years, there are often times were I feel replaced. I will see photos of friends and think 'i was the girl you usually called to do that' or 'why didn't i get that invite, i didn't have anything going on?'. Sometimes just a simple invitation {even if we couldn't make it} means so much. I may have a lot going on with being a full-time working mama, but I still like my wine and still like to laugh with my girls! I often find myself scrolling through social media at night wondering if another outing has gone on that I didn't get the invite to. I have to slap myself and say "Libby! Get over it! You had a great evening with your family instead!"

I know friends get tired of hearing about your life with a toddler, especially when they don't have a toddler of their own! And I can't blame them. But this thought sparked a thought in my head - maybe the reason I get left out of these events is because they don't know how much I want to be a part of them or how good it would feel to get out of the house and spend some time with someone that doesn't need a timeout for hitting? It's hard to find time to get together with other mom friends, too,  because they are usually in the same boat as me. You haven't seen them in a month? Its because you know they are battling the same issues as you - balancing work, life at home, busyness with kids and their actives....

This may sound like one big pity party and maybe it is. And anyone reading should know I'm not looking for a sympathy invite!!! But my point through all of this is that no matter where you are in life, it's important to keep your relationships with your friends. You may not be in the same place in life at the point in time but who's to say you won't be in a year? Or 10 years? Just because you may not understand what someone is going through doesn't mean they should be 'forgotten'. And if you don't like where a friendship has gone, guess what? Time to move on! Time to focus on who is important in life! You can't chase after someone that isn't interested in chasing after you.

I read an article that was circling around facebook awhile back: 'Are You Lonely, Mama'. It was such an awesome read. It hit the nail on the head. So for anyone interested, I suggest reading it. Really put life at this point in time in perspective. It made me feel like I am not the only one who experiences these feelings. It's okay to experience feelings of frustration, loneliness, sadness - as long as it doesn't ruin this season of life.

With that said, my husband is off to Mexico tomorrow with some old high school friends for a bachelor party. At first, I put my foot down and said 'heck no!'. But then I thought about it. Greg moved to Omaha permanently after graduating hasn't spent quality time with some of these guys since college. We all need a little break from life and some good times with friends. He works hard and deserves some me time. I hope he enjoys himself but at the same time - stays out of trouble!! wink wink :)

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